Monday, March 30, 2009

I knew it was going to be hard, I just never knew it was that hard. I felt enveloped in some depressing emotion, yet I can't say what it is, even now. I can't get over it. I can't come to terms with it.

Is it self-inadequacy?
Is it disappointment?
Or is it just plain regret?

Maybe someday I'll know. But as of now, I know I'll still be red eyed looking back at that scene. It seems so surreal in my memory. Like I was there in third person, watching a soap unfold, except the emotions are real.

Me, sitting there, listening to the ex-co. I suddenly notice that my shirt seemed too big for me. Maybe its always been that way. I just never noticed it. Inflated with a pride that was now gone. Weak.

I've always said I don't want to regret 20 years down the road, but right now, I can't seem to see any fault. Was it mine? Was it the system? Any thought slaps me in the face right away and it hurts. It hurts real bad.

I'm sure I've made a lot of friends on my way here, and I thank them for picking me up when I was down and being there when I needed you. They say leaving is the hardest part. Another surge of emotions overwhelm me. I'm still confused.

Again, sitting there, I felt like running. I felt like jumping. I felt like sprinting. It really kept me alive. Now I feel dead. Sat there in my curled up position. Was I alone? No, there are others.

I look around. All sat there. All curled up. The dim lights hide their faces, like I would have wanted. They must feel like me. I guess it really only hurts as much as you allow it. And I'm helpless. Like I was helpless, all along.

The ex-co. Mr Soh. Their words ring. "A hard decision", "nobody wanted this". I understand that. I wasn't trying to be difficult. I just wasn't listening. I don't blame you. I don't blame anyone. But their one word struck me into more confusion.

"Thanks."